Culture Schlock, Jan 7 2010

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright and other Pop Culture Predictions for 2010,

by Oinky the Pig

Oinky getting dirty, as usual

It’s 2010 and I’m out of the pen!  Yo yo yo my little piglets and runts, it’s time for another year’s worth of couplets and grunts. As we move out of the naughties (it was originally intended to refer to “nought” as in “zero”, but my current boat cruising buddy Tiger changed all that), or perhaps you prefer the “oughties” as in, we ought to have finished those wars, but it didn’t work out that way.

Thaaaat’s right, Oinky’s back and no one’s safe. Even though I’m off in the Caribbean with Le Tigre and his “pals” (yeah, right! There are so many udders in my face I feel like I’m back on tha farm, y’all), I can’t resist taking a shot at him. Last year I predicted that, among other prognostications, Tiger Woods would win the Master’s in a wheelchair. Well, I was close.  He’s handicapped, what with the fat lip that Viking chick gave him, and of course his financial hardships.  Hey, I know if I lost my sponsorship deals with Gillette (”Now with 10 heavy duty blades for guaranteed bristle removal. Bonus – free bacon!”) and Slap Chop (”Zucchini, Bikini, Linguini, Martini, Pigscreamy”), I’d have a hard time affording my weekly jaunts to the continent.   That reminds me. Go to GIOTC2010.com for deets on my “Get incontinent on the continent, 2010″ celebrity cruise tour.

Enough self-promotion; here are my predictions and musings for 2010.

TV

Conveyor Belt Of Love (and is the Bachelor still on, really?)

The latest “hook up complete strangers that are coincidentally narcissistic jerks who’ve had lots of work done” show to come along is really, honestly called Conveyor Belt of Love. Potential suitors go by on a belt and you pick one, kind of like sushi.  Something smells fishy, that’s for sure. Other pathetic programs sure to follow are “Who wants to marry a crack whore?” and “The Bachelor: The Garbagemen of Monte Carlo Edition.”

The Family Guy’s new Spin-off: The Stimpsons

Rather than carry on the charade that The Family Guy is not a bad rip-off of The Simpsons, Seth McFarlane’s new show will be called The Stimpsons, and will feature the exact same characters from The Simpson’s except one: Stimpy (from Ren & Stimpy, ironically, a very funny show), who will replace Santa’s Little Helper.

Dexter Season 5 – The End of Al Quaeda

Just when you thought it was safe to be a serial killer, Dexter will be back for it’s 5th season, perhaps of many more to come (hey, the ratings are good!)  In a surprise twist, Dexter’s sister Debra (his real life wife) will pull her head out of her tiny, hipless ass and clue in that her brother likes to kill people ritualistically.  She will join him in a Bonnie & Clyde-like cross country bad-guy killing spree that will culminate with the elimination of Osama Bin Laden, who, shockingly, will be found working as a saddle hand at George Bush’s ranch in Texas.

MUSIC

Lady Gaga Arrested For Murdering 100 Kermits

As it turns out, the publicity photo of Lady Gaga wearing a Kermit-stole will turn out to be real. She really did kill, skin (and perhaps eat) over 100 Kermit the Frogs.

AutoTune Robot Writes Own Songs

A robot created to tour with acts that cannot sing in tune will gain intelligence using “self learning” software to the point where it will start writing and singing its own songs. A new music industry will develop around these singing robots, and one will win the 2010 American Idol Competition, narrowly beating out another Autotune robot that was rumoured to like “its bolts screwed in the wrong way,” if you know what I mean.

MOVIES

Avatar Sequel goes to 4 D

Now that Avatar has set the new standard for movies, James Cameron will feel compelled to take it another step further. Avatar II will come out in 4-D, where you can actually smell the things you see on the screen, including the BO of the 10 foot blue people. When Cameron tries to patent his Smellorama technology, he will be kidnapped and held for the rest of his life by Dr. Tongue in his castle in Scarborough, refusing to do a remake of 3-D House of Stewardesses.

Sherlock Holmes II:  The Shequel

In the next Sherlock Holmes installment, the intrepid detective will reveal that he is in fact, a woman, and actually not all that good at solving murders.  When faced with criticism that he has strayed even further from the original books, Guy Ritchie will shrug and say “You do know that I schtoomped Madonna, right?”

SPORTS

Olympics Hockey Gold Overshadowed By Old Guy Who Can Ski And Shoot Squirrels  At The Same Time

Although Canada will win the men’s and women’s hockey Gold at the 2010 Olympics, media coverage will be dominated by Joe Smith, an 80 year old New Brunswicker discovered by the National Biathlon coach while snowmobile holidaying in Bathurst.  Smith has been skiing and shooting squirrels, albeit with a 22, since he was 8 years old, and he will win the Olympic Gold, only to fall into disgrace 1 week later when he fails a drug test for oxycontin use.

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

(adapted from The Tiger, By William Blake, 1757-1827)

Tiger, tiger, burning bright

At least you were until that night

When Elin gave you your black eye

And ruined your lipsymmetry

You’ve hit balls into the skies

That travelled further than the eyes

Could see and now your fans aspire

To extinguish your eternal fire

Your golf game approaches art

What we question is your heart

There’s nothing that you couldn’t beat

Except humility’s dragging feet

Imprisoned by each media chain

What hate is boiling in your brain?

How many throats you’d love to grasp

How many bras left to unclasp

When the press runs out of spears

And your family’s out of tears

What kind of man is left to see?

What will abusive habits cause thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright

You will emerge from this dark night

What will appear before my eye?

John Daly’s fearful symmetry!

DRINKS

Light beer goes to zero calories

In a bold move, newly formed beer giant  Millmolbattsbudcoorsapporo will release a beer with zero calories. On reports from critics that “This isn’t beer; it’s f&%#ing carbonated water!” the CEO of the corporation will be quoted as saying “If I pay a billion dollars for ads that say it is beer, it is beer.”

Wine – Dealcoholized Wine Trend Reverses

The practice of lowering wine alcohol levels in hot grape climates using reverse osmosis and other tricks will be stopped, as consumers demand higher and higher booze content. The same trend will hit the beer market, as new brands such as “Punch in the Face” and “Barf!” will be released that hit 35 and even 40% alcohol.  They will also contain triple the amount of caffeine as Coke. As a result, ANBL will report record profits and enforce two price hikes during the year. Why the hell not?

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Oinky is on a boat, and it sure ain’t Noah’s ark. Visit him at www.frogspad.ca

[here] Beer, Booze & Bars

Drink’N'Music 2009

Craig’s 10 Favourite Records of 2009, Paired with10 Favourite Tipples

Once again I find myself shuffling through my CD’s and record (I only bought one piece of vinyl this year), and checking my Iphone (yes, I finally broke down and downloaded a few records this year, out of necessity) to argue with myself about which should make my top 10.

As I get older I buy more jazz, classical & country, while still collecting Beatlesque pop, new wave and punk influenced music with older roots, and singer/songwriter standards.

I listen to a lot of “indie” music, too, online on myspace, on college radio, free concerts at radio3.cbc.ca, and their excellent Grant Lawrence-hosted podcasts. I’ve argued for years that indie is not a type of music: it’s a statement of your career status. It’s as meaningless a word as “alternative” (alternative to what?) Much indie music has little in common with the others in the genre: some is pop, some is punkish, some electronic, some 60’s folk, and some a mix of all those. Yes, I’ve heard Grizzly Bear and Animal Collective, tops on many people’s lists, but if I’m going to pay for indie, it’s most likely to be local. Examples are Halifax’s Brent Randall or Saint John’s Clinton Charlton.

2009 was a very strong year for music, so I’ve added some honourable mentions at the bottom that could just as easily have made my top 10.

1. Pugwash – Giddy (Beatlesque Pop, Ireland)

This Irish pop group has done very well in the UK with their original songs that echo the later Beatles, ELO, The Beach Boys and XTC, but they are virtually unknown in North America. XTC’s Andy Partridge’s Apehouse label is trying to change this, releasing Giddy, a collection of songs from their 4 studio albums, remastered and now available here in North America as well as via the apehouse site (http://apehouse.prevuz.com/tag/pugwash/) Partridge is credited as co-writer on several tracks, and guitarist/arranger extraordinaire Dave Gregory (also of XTC) is involved too. Just one listen to It’s Nice To Be Nice and I was hooked. Find it on youtube for a sample.

What to Drink:

I’d choose English traditional method sparkling wine (a burgeoning industry) because fizz makes me Giddy, but we don’t get any here, so instead I’ll choose a good value sparkler: Freixenet Carta Nevada Cava from Spain ($14.49).

2. Brent Randall and those Magnificent Pinecones – We Were Strangers in Paddington Green (60’s Style Pop, Canada)

Every now and then I hear a new band and I think “Wow! A new track from one of my favourite bands!” That was the case with Halifax’s Brent Randall’s beautiful Strange Love (Don’t Be Lazy). I was sure it was John Southworth, or perhaps an old Kinks song. The album art even looks like an old 60’s British record. This is wonderfully dreamy music from another time, another place, and I can’t wait to see him live.

Drink With: Gin & Tonic, definitely, on the lawn while watching the kids play, a cricket match or actual crickets. I’m using Gin from the small Myriad Distillery in PEI at the moment as well as New Amsterdam Straight ($28.99).

3. David Sylvian – Manafon (Ambient Jazz, England)

It is difficult to classify Sylvian since he has been everything from a Velvet Underground aping rocker and Asian/synth pop star in the band Japan, to a crooning (think Bryan Ferry) acoustic solo artist, prog rock duelist with King Crimson’s Robert Fripp, and now ambient jazz experimentalist. With the changes, two things stay the same: his deep, vibrato-affected, perfect voice, and his poems, turned into lyrics. Though still a difficult first listen, Manafon, recorded with an array of international improvising session musicians, is more approachable than his last record, the angular, almost atonal Blemish (now THAT was a breakup record!) By the third listen you will be either addicted or simply bewildered. I like that kind of challenge sometimes. Try Small Metal Gods and go from there.

Drink With: One of my favourites for those odd times when I feel like something weird is Campari (a bitter Italian liqueur often mixed with soda) and Orange juice, making for, like Manafon, a bittersweet experience.

4. Elvis Costello – Secret, Profane and Sugarcane (Country/Bluegrass/Music Hall, England/America)

Ever the genre hopper, to some folks’ dismay and others’ delight, Costello’s latest, a Grammy nominated LP, is a mostly acoustic record with some of USA’s most respected musicians, including the “World’s Best Dobro player,” Jerry Douglas. The album is a bit of a mish-mash; some is straight ahead Bluegrass & Country, including collaborations with Loretta Lynn and Emmy Lou Harris and there are a couple of odd covers (extended version has Femme Fatale by the Velvets), but the highlights are complex pieces he wrote for an opera about Hans Christian Andersen. She Handed Me A Mirror and How Deep Is The Red are moving music hall pieces, among the best songs he’s ever written.

Drink With: Samuel Adams Boston Lager, an American beer, but influenced by good European beer. It has a hoppy personality ($2.36/ 355 ml bottle)

5. Robbie Fulks – 50-Vc. Doberman (mostly Country, USA)

Robbie Fulks embarked on an ambitious project in 2009; he successfully recorded 50 songs, mostly his own, for release in a “digital download only” format (you can buy tracks at itunes or amazon.com). Although known mainly as an acerbic, disgruntled country artist, this talented Chicago singer songwriter has many musical styles on this release: heavy metal, soul, gospel, Broadway tunes, straight ahead pop, Zappa-ish stuff, and old time country. Next year he hopes to release a full album of Michael Jackson covers. I’m sure it will top the charts. His cover of Beyonce’s Irreplaceable sounds like a surefire country soul hit, It Was Love That Ruined Me sounds like John Hiatt or Nick Lowe at their best, and Pretty Girls is a hilarious country tune that would be a hit for someone famous: “The world is full of pretty girls, and pretty girls are full of themselves too.”

Drink With: whatever straight whisky you prefer. Maybe it should be Bourbon, but I’m partial to Single Malt, but I’m cheap, so I usually buy Vatted Malt, a blend of Single Malts, like Famous Grouse 12 Year Old, a blend that includes Highland Park and The Macallan for $35.29.

6. John Southworth – Mama Tevatron (Electronic Pop, Canada)

Southworth is as indie as anyone, by my definition, as his 6 records and 1 EP r over his 14 year recording career have come out on a bunch of different small labels. This latest was only available as a Digital Download until recently when it was released on CD by Dead Daisy/Outside music from the USA. It can now be purchased at MapleMusic.com. His videos are always conversation pieces, and arguably works of art; First of May http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ik_069zpxA from this record is worth a look. Southworth is known as a whimsical guitar and piano playing singer-songwriter, so his decision to do this as pretty much a synth record came as a bit of a surprise, but the results are refreshing. The single Get It Now is receiving lots of internet play on CBC Radio 3, which should help him reach the right demographic. Also, his regular performances as part of Toronto’s Art of Time Ensemble’s live classical/pop hybrids have been memorable. You can link to these things at his http://sud-de-valeur.blogspot.com/ site, including his Christmas song called Space Age Santa.

Drink with: a floral, complex, idiosyncratic white wine that ages well, much like his music. My pick at the ANBL is Donnafugata Anthilia for $17.99 from Southern Italy.

7. Neko Case – Middle Cyclone (Country/pop/rock, USA)

Neko Case is a superstar, debuting high on the Billboard charts, and garnering a Grammy nomination this year (up against Costello, actually), but her records are nothing like typical modern American popular music. An honourary Canadian (she sings with the New Pornographers), Case can write and has written “real’ country, but most of the songs here straddle 60’s and 70’s pop, country, and rock genres; they’re very “Brill Building.” Middle Cyclone is a varied, high quality release with great lyrics and performances. Right from the stellar opening track This Tornado Loves You, her powerful, pure voice dominates the record.

Drink with: Neko Case’s music is retro in only good ways, and it make me want to match her with something out of fashion that deserves more attention: oaky Chardonnay. It’s not an everyday wine, but sometimes I want rich and creamy, flavour packed wine. My pick is Bonterra Chardonnay, from California, for $21.99. And, like Neko, it’s organic!

8. Regina Spektor – Far (Piano pop, USA)

Branded by some as another in a line of piano playing sirens/Kate Bush clones (Sara McLachlan, Tori Amos, Sara Slean, etc. ), which is by no means an insult, Spektor has now made three consecutive records of bright, sometimes beautiful pop tunes. I was worried when I saw that Jeff Lynne (ELO) had produced 4 tracks because, although I like a lot of ELO’s music, I don’t like the way he overtakes other artists (Dave Edmunds, George Harrison). My concerns were unwarranted; the Lynne produced songs sound nothing like ELO: Folding Chair is a chirpy, radio-friendly tune. I love the record, especially the quirkier tunes like Eet and Dance Anthem of the 80’s.

Drink with: high quality vodka and soda with a lime wedge, pure, fresh & clean. I use Kittling Ridge Prince Igor Extreme ($24.99), Citadelle ($31.29) or Iceberg ($24.79).

9. Ben Folds Presents: University A Capella (Pop, USA)

I love Ben Folds and I love Glee, and I believe Ben’s work on this record predates, or perhaps foretells Glee. Note also that he is a judge for the popular new “The Sing Off” TV show on NBC. Folds held auditions for university singing groups to perform a capella versions of songs from his catalogue, selected some and recorded them professionally, adding a couple of his own versions. The result is a joyful, gorgeous record that you might not want to listen to every day, but will surely pep you up on a down day. Folds is one of the best songwriters of the past 20 years and this record celebrates this. The Spartones’ version of Not The Same, about a friend who finds God, is transcendent, hymn-like in its anti-religiosity. Folds’ version of Effington is simply brilliant.

Drink with: Premium rum, a capella. For value, I love Havana Club 7 year old ($28.48).

10. John Doe & The Sadies (Country rock, USA/Canada)

Doe has had a mildly successful solo career since his seminal West Coast punk band X called it quits, but he’s never sounded better or more comfortable than he does on this set of standards and his own compositions, playing alongside Canadian country rock legends The Sadies. Always a fan of country (he made two country records with wife Exene Cervenka of X and other bandmates under the name The Knitters), this record shows how perfect his easy drawl is for classics like Husbands and Wives, and Help Me Make It Through The Night.

Drink with: a beer. Your choice. I’ll take Pump House SOB.

Honourable Mentions:

Joel Plaskett – Three (Folk/Rock/Pop, Canada), Sondre Lerche – Heartbeat Radio (Jazzy Pop, Norway), Brian Setzer – Lonely Avenue (Jazzy Rockabilly, USA), Ben Kweller – Changing Horses (Country, USA), Cheap Trick – The Latest (Power Pop, USA), Clinton Charlton – Parade (Folk/Country, Canada).

MISSED FROM 2008: Molly Johnson – Lucky (Traditional jazz, Canada)

STILL NEED TO TRY FROM 2009: Madness – The Liberty of Norton Folgate (Ska-pop, England)

Craig Pinhey thinks that everyone should make their own top ten list. Visit him at www.frogspad.ca.

[here] Culture Schlock, October 15, 2009

I generally don’t like today’s sitcoms. I won’t name names, but most are predictable, unfunny, lowest common denominator schlock. I know, I’m all about the schlock, but even I have my limits. I’ll listen to simply fun pop music occasionally, but I’ll always return to more complex tunes crafted by bespectacled wordsmiths.

Same with TV. Back in the day I enjoyed shows like Happy Days (before Richie left and the rise of the incredibly unlikable Chachi) and Three’s Company, mainly for John Ritter’s physical comedy (and, let’s be honest, for Chrissy. Hey, I went through puberty during that show), but my real faves were seriously clever shows like Barney Miller and WKRP. There have been few since then that I’ve followed religiously, not for long, anyway…I had a brief dalliance with Married With Children’s first few seasons, and That Seventies Show…and my tolerance for mindless sitcoms has decreased in my middle age. I tend to look more for hour-long dramas that challenge my mind, at least a little bit, while also providing quirky humour.

This said, there are only two Fall sitcoms that I make a real effort to watch these days: The New Adventures of Old Christine (on which she is as funny as she was in her best moments on Seinfeld), and How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM), the latter more than the former.

HIMYM is what they call a sleeper, in that it really crept up on me. When it first came on, 5 seasons ago, believe it or not, I thought it was just another mindless sitcom, but it has grown on me, like mould, but a really funny, sweet mould, with great writing.

It was actually an endorsement from a fellow New Brunswick TV fan that caused me to try HIMYM again. I liked it. Also, the fact that Neil Patrick Harris completely blew me away with his comic talent and singing on the web-only Dr. Horrible’s Singalong Blog (now available on DVD) didn’t hurt.

I started watching HIMYM whenever I happened to be home when it was on, and eventually I started making a real effort, including watching online at watchhowimetyourmother.com, to see EVERY episode. I missed the first few of this, their 5th season, while away in Spain, so last week I caught up by watching Episodes 1 through 3. It’s just a great, involving, sitcom.

What do I like so much about the show? Well, that’s hard to explain. It is often hard to explain why you like one show (or band, or wine) and hate another, to someone who doesn’t get it. It can be very frustrating. You are tempted to say “If you don’t see why, don’t watch, you soulless idiot.” But that is not going to get any more fans for the show. And what you want, if you are a big fan of a show, is more fans, so that the show will stay on TV.

My favourite part of the show is the writing. They keep it fresh and funny, and they surprise me sometimes. As far as characters go, I think Barney is hilarious, although his season 5 steady relationship with Robin is kinda cramping his “lady’s man” style, which was made ironic (and I mean REALLY ironic, not pretend, that is, Alanis, ironic) when Harris came out a while ago. He is brilliant, and I really want to go see him in a musical in New York before I die.

My favourite characters, though, are Marshall and Lily, the couple played by Jason Segel (who you may remember from Freaks and Geeks, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall at the movies), and the quite charming and cute Alyson Hannigan, a favourite from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and those crappy American Pie movies. They are an innocent, loving couple, naïve, sweet and really endearing. I’m not sure there’s ever been a better onscreen (in terms of TV) couple. The episode about them showing up at the airport to meet each other, armed with microbrew, is probably my favourite HIMYM moment.

The main guy, Ted, played by previously unknown to me Josh Radnor is good, but I wish they would have used his own voice for the narrative parts instead of Bob Saget. Not that Saget does a bad job, but, well, this is THE freaking Bob Saget, people, source of some of the worst TV of all time (America’s Funniest Home Videos, and, oh my gosh it is hard for me to even write these words, Full House). Robin, the token Canadian character on the show, is played by, um, Cobie Smulders (let me check that…yep, that’s her name, alright). She is actually FROM Vancouver, which gives her regular “in” jokes about Canada a bit of weight. It is admittedly nice to hear the word Canucks on mainstream American TV.

Don’t get me wrong, HIMYM is not an amazing work of film art, nor is it necessarily ranked amongst the best sitcoms of all time, but, right now, I think it is the best 30 minutes of comedic fiction on American TV. You can catch it on Monday nights at 9 pm on CBS (Channel 15) and CITY TV (133).

Craig Pinhey is still waiting for the next WKRP. Visit him at www.frogspad.ca

[here] Culture Schlock

Issue: Sep 17, 2009

Glee is one of the most buzzed about new fall shows this year. This hour long comedy/drama (dramedy? coma?) from Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy premiered on Global TV last Wednesday, September 9th, and the first episode is available for viewing, albeit choppy on my internet connection, at GlobalTV.com for free.

The show revolves around “New Directions,” a glee club at a high school. My first impression was great, especially since the “bad guy” (actually, bad girl) heading up the cheerleading squad is played by the hilarious Jane Lynch, who you probably remember as the horny boss in “The 40 Year Old Virgin” or maybe from “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” Early on in the episode her character, Sue Sylvester, tells the glee club leader Will (played by Matthew Morrison, a virtual unknown) that he needs to recruit more members to go to the regionals. That starts the story rolling.

I got even more excited when the first number performed by the ultra nerdy Glee club was Freak Out, my all time favourite disco song, originally recorded by Chic, the slick outfit headed up by Nile Rodgers and Bernard Edwards in the 70’s. I then got supremely pissed off when the nerdy glee clubbers dissed the song, saying it sucks. They’d rather sing a Kanye West song. Okay, so the main heroes of the show have bad taste. That’s Black Mark # 1.

Glee reminds me of several other shows from the past. It has some elements of Fame, a show about a special school for performing artists. I loved that show way back when but it really looks bad when you watch it now. It is way too schlocky. Glee also has elements of Freaks and Geeks, a brilliant Judd Apatow show from 1999 (available now on the Tech channel) that focused on a group of high school nerds at a high school in the early 80’s, featuring now famous actors Seth Rogen and James Franco. Put those two shows together and the premise is promising.

Canadian connections in Glee are provided by Jessalyn Gilsig from Montreal, who plays Terri Schuester, Will’s nutty wife, and Calgary born Cory Monteith, who plays the conflicted jock/glee club member Finn Hudson.

The show has snappy dialogue and good acting. The music is great too, although, and here comes my main criticism: it is far too staged and produced. Rather than have perfectly prerecorded and professionally performed songs, with the cast lip synching, they should have used realistic live performances by talented young musicians. That would have given viewers a feeling of authenticity. Instead it feels like a Milli Vanilli convention.

You may consider that a small flaw, but for me that’s a big Black Mark #2.

Glee is a super fun show, and the humour running through it really helps its likeability. I could see people really getting behind this show, especially if they are High School Musical fans (in other words, they like really fake sounding music). The show is two faced. It is a real crowd pleaser, a guilty pleasure, but is also laced with an underlying quirkiness that makes it something more. I might just keep watching it, but if the music continues to annoy me, I’ll probably give it a pass after a few episodes.

Craig Pinhey loves going to live musical theatre, but hated High School Musical. Visit Craig at www.frogspad.ca.

[here] Culture Schlock

Issue: Sep 3, 2009

It is hard to believe that summer is almost over, but the good news is that means it’s time for some new shows and returning favourites.

I’ve been partially satiated this summer by True Blood, the southern US based vampire series on HBO that has escalated to the point of ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong; this is still entertaining stuff, and the cast is generally great, but this “whole town is completely nutso evil” plotline doesn’t fit in with where the show started last year. The attractive premise of the show when it began was that vampires were coexisting relatively well with humans, and could drink commercially developed faux-blood called Tru Blood. Vampires appeared on TV and companies marketed products just for them. It was almost like they were an immigrant culture integrating into America. It was a darkly comedic parody of the current state of race relations.

But now it is just all apeshit crazy. I’ll watch the rest (Sundays and Tuesdays on HBO and Bravo, respectively) but I may give it a pass next season if they don’t pull back a bit. I have not read the books the show is taken from, but if this is the direction they go, I won’t bother.

The returning shows I’m awaiting with the most anticipation are Dexter, Supernatural, and Dollhouse. So, if you are like me, and actually pay for regular cable AND the specialty channels so you can see the best that the boob tube has to offer, or even if you watch online, download them or wait and buy the season DVD’s, here’s what to look for this season for my favourites.

Dexter (premieres September 27 on HBO)

When we last saw our favourite vigilante serial killer, he had escaped detection yet again, and was in the process of fathering a child with his new wife, who is still oblivious to what Dexter gets up to at night. If you can suspend reality for a moment, which you must do to truly enjoy my favourites, then you can get past the fact that Dexter should have been busted several times, and has the proverbial luck of a shithouse rat. They need to end this show this year, in my opinion, which means Dexter either gets caught, killed, or ends up icing himself. When great shows go on too long, they dishonour themselves. This season sees Dexter having to get used to life with a newborn child of his own. Will this baby be born with the serial killing gene too? In the meantime, a serial killer returns to town making for new prey for Dexter.

Supernatural (Premieres September 10, 2009)

This show has advanced several levels in quality and complexity over its 4 seasons. Now we are approaching the supposedly last season, although, if the sponsors love the results, it may be extended. After last season’s exciting conclusion, “Lucifer Rising,” where the devil was apparently released from hell onto earth, the show’s producers and writers must have found themselves in an awkward position. “Um, where do we go from here?” Or maybe it was all part of a well planned out 5-season plot. Who knows? In the season premiere, “Sympathy for the Devil,” we’ll get to see where they go with this Devilish plot. I’m curious, but concerned.

I’m hoping that they spend at least half the season doing old fashioned Sam and Dean shows, where each episode is a self-contained story in which they go to a town and solve a supernatural mystery, and humour abounds, with Ben Edlund (The Tick) writing the funniest, quirkiest episodes. This integrated, complicated “hell plot” can wear on you at times, and it’s pretty serious stuff. It reminds me of how X-Files deteriorated into that government conspiracy mess. All we X-Files fans ever wanted was more Scully and Fox dialogue.

Dollhouse (premieres September 25 on FOX/Global)

Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Firefly) had a slow start with Dollhouse’s first season, but it picked up steam and is a highly anticipated show this fall, at least if you talk to his legion of acolytes (I’m one). Great news is the addition of Summer Glau (River from Firefly and the only half-decent part of last year’s terminated Terminator TV series) to the cast. The wiry Glau plays Bennett, a recurring character at the Dollhouse who somehow knows Eliza Dushku’s equally wiry Echo from their past. I’m not sure if Dushku will appreciate the hot chick competition, but I’m sure fans will.

Craig Pinhey likes weird shows and is therefore weird. Discuss. Visit Craig at www.frogspad.ca.

[here] Culture Schlock

Issue: Aug 20, 2009

The English Premier League kicks off this weekend, which should help distract me from the sting of Canada’s disappointing performance in the Gold Cup and our disastrous World Cup qualifying attempt before that. The EPL kicks off for regular cable subscribers at 11 am on Sportsnet with Aston Villa against Wigan, and I’m ready. I’m ready, that is, in that I have my pool picks done. Whether that makes me truly ready is questionable, because I am a Canadian with limited footie cred participating in one of the largest free internet sports pools in the world, at fantasy.premierleague.com. There are currently over 1.4 million participants, and most are English. The odds of me doing well are low. I’m happy if I check the stats each week and find I’m in the top half. If I end up in the top quarter at the end of the season I’d be proud, and thrilled to be in the top tenth percentile.

I’ve played soccer my whole life, mostly in the playground until university, then in minor leagues ever since. I was never coached, and it shows, and I rarely watched it on TV as a kid, but I love it more and more every year, even though I’ve had my nose broken twice in this gentleman’s game played by thugs. Maybe it is my English heritage (my grandfather was a farmer in Devon) or the fact that UK real ale is my favourite beverage, but I think my increased interest comes mainly from playing in the EPL pool, and in World Cup pools. This has sharpened my obsession and honed my knowledge a little bit. Now I watch high-level football on TV whenever possible. I don’t pay the extra $14.99 a month for SETA (Ch 429), the ultimate EPL specialty channel, but we are served pretty well by Sportsnet (Ch 22) with its Saturday games and Soccer Saturday pre-game show, and I enjoy The Footy Show on The Score (Ch 34). I also get good football on GOLTV (428 on digital cable) and FOX Sports World (415) with my current cable package.

So yeah, I love football, but the English live it. I usually call it soccer by the way, but I should call it by its proper name, because there are far more of those football fans than there are fans of North American football, which is an orchestrated war game using human playing pieces. I like our game too, but it is small compared to football, the only true “world” sport. This is evidenced by the growing international excitement and tension surrounding the upcoming 2010 World Cup in South Africa. It is a genuine world event and I can’t wait.

English football fans make us Canadians look like occasional hockey dabblers. Sure, some of us love hockey, and we cheer hard for our team, especially in the playoffs or at a bar after a few “pops,” but we won’t die for it. Not on purpose anyway.

Just thinking about this Saturday’s kickoff helped me decide what to have for supper. I have one bottle of Fuller’s London Pride bitter, and the fish and chips are heating up in the oven. I’d even add a side of mushy peas if that weren’t so disgusting. Pubs, beer and football go hand in hand in the UK, of course, although I’m a bit disturbed by the fans sometimes. I remember being in Chelsea around 15 years ago at a nice pub drinking real ale, and they closed up and booted us out in the afternoon for no apparent reason. But there was a very plain reason – there was a match that day, and no pub in the area of the stadium can afford to stay open. The place would be destroyed. I saw a similar scene in Newcastle after a big FA Cup game that they lost down in the south. The Geordies got back home and tore up the town centre.

Another sad aspect of the football hooligan/thug phenomenon is that these louts don’t even like good English beer. They swill back large volumes of terrible lager. They don’t care. They are drinking just to get drunk and in trouble. Now, these folks are not representative of the average Englishperson, or football fan even, but the one bad apple rule applies.

I recently read an excellent book of short stories called The New Kings of Non-Fiction, edited by Ira Glass. One story was an extract from Bill Buford’s Among the Thugs, his true account of traveling with Manchester United fans. Just reading the extract scared the crap out of me. I don’t want to read the whole book.

I’m no lager lout. I love watching “the beautiful game” on TV, and I’d love to watch an EPL or World Cup game live too, but I admit I’m a bit nervous. I was at a Toronto FC game in Toronto a month ago; I was never in danger, although those fans are very wild compared to anything I’ve seen at NFL, CFL, NBA and NHL games. Wild for Canadians, but tame compared to football fans on the world level.

I’m happy to watch the EPL on TV at home, with a good beer in my hand and my computer opened to a screen from the online pool. I’m in a few sub-pools, including a “Canadians” section, and one full of Elvis Costello fans (what would those nerds know about football?), with smaller numbers of pool competitors, so I do have a chance to win one of those. There are no prizes for these, though, just honour, but that’s a compelling reason to watch every week. Come on, join up!

Now, who do I have from Villa and Wigan?

Craig Pinhey used to be fast and score the odd goal, but time wounds all heels. Visit Craig at www.frogspad.ca.

[here] Culture Schlock, July 8, 2009

I missed the Friday, June 26 premiere of Virtuality, a “Sci-Fi TV movie” (it was actually a pilot for a TV series, not a movie), and thus had to catch up and acquire it after the fact. Why did I miss it? Hmm, let me think… Could it be that there was virtually NO PUBLICITY?

And now the rumour is that FOX has decided not to pick it up as a series. Instead they hid the movie on a Friday night with practically no buzz. Nice one.

It’s a small wonder that Virtuality did not score high in America’s far too powerful Nielsen Ratings – no one knew about it. One has to wonder about Fox TV sometimes. Here they have a glossy new, high budget, high quality pilot made by the current god of TV Sci-Fi, Ronald D. Moore, and they don’t promote it. He should be rubber stamped for a new series, for frack sake. This guy can do no wrong. He was the main man behind Battlestar Galactica, arguably the most successful Sci-Fi of all time, in terms of its double whammy of popularity and critical acclaim. And before that he headed up a couple of series for an obscure franchise called Star Trek. Heard of that one?

Moore brings along his bud Michael Taylor (Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek: Voyager) and director Peter Berg from the critically acclaimed Friday Night Lights and immensely entertaining Hancock.

It seems like a no-brainer, as much as choosing a TV series could ever be easy.

People might be surprised that I love Virtuality because it is about a reality show, and I generally cannot abide those. But it isn’t a REAL reality show. The premise is that 12 astronauts go off on a 10 year mission (sound familiar?) to save earth from global warming (okay, that part I thought was silly), but the twist is that much of their lives are filmed, then edited and beamed back to earth as a reality TV series called Edge of Never: Life on the Phaeton.

An integral extra level to the show is that the crew has access to virtual reality entertainment, a nice throwback to Moore’s work with Star Trek’s Holodeck (although you could argue that some of the worst episodes of Star Trek: the Next Generation involved Number 2 and his pathetic fantasies). As the Virtuality Pilot progresses, the role of virtual reality increases, even to the point where…well, I won’t spoil it for you, but the show is called Virtuality for a reason, and it isn’t so that smarmy pop culture writers can make easy puns.

The cast is not well known, but are very competent across the board. The special effects are very good, but that is no surprise. There are hot looking cast members + the requisite cranky oddball. The writing is very strong, with some sexiness, lots of conflict, a bit of humour, and the plot is, dare I say, original. That seems impossible, since just about every permutation of space travel TV has been tried, but this show is extra fresh.

The direction and pace are both excellent. In fact I can’t see anyone complaining about the quality of this show, and I haven’t seen any remotely bad reviews by anyone who is worth reading. It is probably the best drama I’ve seen on network TV in the last couple of months.

It is a real head-scratcher why Fox did this, the kind of thing that causes conspiracy theories, like “Moore wanted too much money,” or “Barack Obama didn’t like the Pilot in a pre-screening,” or “Michael Jackson died, so the show simply HAD to be canned,” or, and I just thought of this one and maybe this is the kicker: “There is an openly gay astronaut couple so NASA shut it down.” Yikes, that one could be the real reason, and that’s too bad, because they made a cute couple. Their cooking scene, and the running gag about too much salt in the food, was one of the memorable parts of the pilot.

So the show has been cancelled before it even started, and already we are seeing Firefly-like grouping of disgruntled fans that want the show to be picked up, perhaps by the Sci-Fi channel (Space, here in Canada). There’s an official Facebook site (there will be Webisodes, apparently) and a site dedicated to the show that gives you emails for all the evil Fox executives to harass. http://virtuality-tv.info/Renewal/ is a good place to start. It leads with the quote:

“There are some people online saying, “Write to Fox, write to Sci Fi,” and I totally encourage that.” – Michael Taylor, Co-creator/writer/exec. producer.

Further on, Ronald D. Moore is quoted, saying: “this will always be a pilot. I know that Fox calls it a movie, but this is a pilot. It ends with the setup for a series. That’s how it should be viewed.” “It depends on ratings, demographics, word of mouth,” he says. “Sometimes these things have a bigger life that blossoms after broadcast.”

I’m getting a wicked case of deja vu all over again with this, so I know there’s virtually no hope for Virtuality, based on past disappointments. The weird thing about this one, though, is that it seems like Fox Network Execs are throwing away a sure thing. They already hit the ball out of the park when Phaeton snapped around Neptune and headed for a distant star. All they had to do was let it happen. What were they thinking?

Craig Pinhey still pines for Firefly. He even buys the comic books. It’s not the same. Visit Craig at www.frogspad.ca.

[here] Culture Schlock

Issue: June 11, 2009

This summer should be no different than any other, in that you should not spend it watching TV. That said, there will be times when you are too tired to keep on partying, or the weather will just plain suck, so you can’t keep the campfire going. Then it’s time to head inside and gather around the electronic hearth for some mindless entertainment.

Typically, there are not a lot of new shows launched for summer, but there are some returning shows that are highly anticipated, not the least of which is True Blood. This dark, sexy (warning, there’s both blood AND boobies) and oft hilarious drama is only available on HBO via The Movie Network, but it is well worth the price of premium cable just for this series. Based on the novels known as The Southern Vampire Mysteries, the show revolves around vampires, shape-shifters and one particularly sexy young mind reader named Sookie, all set in the Southern US, and promises to have an intriguing follow up to last year’s finale. This season we’ll become more familiar with the mysterious and seemingly evil Maryann, played by Michelle Forbes. She is in the guise of a social worker, but we know she has some connection to the shape-shifters. True Blood premieres midnight on June 14 on HBO.

A really fun feature of this show is the brilliant viral marketing campaign. This included very clever fake ads for the product Tru Blood that the vampires drink, but goes much much further than that. Go to bloodcopy.com to experience True Blood online.

If you want some simpler vamp fare, “Blood Lite,” if you will, then you will have to wait until the fall, when The Vampire Diaries starts on CTV. This is a teen vampire story that should appeal to fans of the Twilight series, the teen Harlequin vamp-romance that has captured the hearts of love starved middle-aged women all across North America. Too bad it isn’t on in the summer, as it would have been a great tooth and nail battle. Well, mostly tooth.

Another new series, Canadian made to boot (if you are at all patriotic), is The Listener, which premiered on NBC this past Thursday at 11 pm. The plot follows a young telepathic paramedic. What is with all these shows about everyday people with supernatural powers (Ghost Whisperer, Medium, The Mentalist)? Surely this new genre is over-served by now. The show stars Halifax actor Craig Olejnik and Canadian icon Colm Feore, and I wish them good luck.

The other show I’ll watching every weeknight is The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien on NBC, at 12:35 am. The funniest talk show host on TV brings his cast of characters, his sidekick Andy Richter, and even the Max Weinberg Band along for the fun. Based on the high ratings (and dependably wacky humour) for the first week of shows, this has been a hugely successful decision for NBC. Jay Leno will start his primetime show in the fall, but by then Conan will already have a solid fan base. I think the new Leno show is a lame idea to begin with. Why compete with primetime dramas with a rather bland talk show host? It makes little sense. Leno has his fans, but I doubt they will watch him over their favourite equally bland and predictable TV dramas.

To be truthful, I’m not sure what else to recommend this summer for the boob tube, as there isn’t much except for recycled and otherwise uninteresting reality shows. For REAL reality, you baseball fans are perhaps back on the Blue Jays bandwagon, as they look to have a team that might fight for a playoff spot. And, since many of you are BoSox devotees, there could be a nice rivalry building to an end of season climax, as if baseball could get that exciting. A hotdog, cold beer and a ball game sound pretty good to me right now. That’s a bite of a different kind.

By the looks of him, Craig Pinhey thinks that Conan O’Brien has already been visited by a few vampires. Visit Craig at www.frogspad.ca.

[here] Culture Schlock, April 16, 2009
by Craig Pinhey
Making A Skeptical Of Himself
Getting Used to Elvis Costello as a TV Host

Last Friday was a relief for me, as I finally got to see the new Elvis Costello music interview show: Spectacle (CTV TV, Friday nights at 8 pm, replayed on Bravo and other CTV networks if you have time-shifting). OK, I admit to watching some of them illegally on the interweb in advance, but it is much nicer to see them in high quality video and sound.

If you are already a serious Costello fan, then this is a no brainer; of course you are going to watch and like this show, just as you bought his album of Nashville country covers, his jazz and classical albums, and you maybe even got a hold of a bootleg copy of Secret Songs, the opera he wrote about Hans Christian Andersen.

But, if you don’t know Elvis from Adam, or are not a fan of his music, I can imagine you are a bit skeptical of Spectacle, even if you saw his nice turn as a guest host on David Letterman. I urge you to give it a shot, though, because Spectacle is unlike any music show I’ve ever seen, at least those made in North America. It is not all that far off from Jools Holland’s British music show, but I doubt you’ve seen that.

Each episode starts with Costello covering one of the guest artist’s songs, or a song inspired by them. He sang Elton John’s Border Song, with legendary Allain Touissant on piano, for episode 1. The rest of the show is mostly talking, with Costello asking the questions working from his crib notes, and is largely unstructured. Elton John spoke at length about his early days in music and his somewhat obscure musical influences, such as Laura Nyro, David Ackles and southern US pianist Leon Russell.

Most of the shows are filmed at the famed Apollo Theatre in New York, which adds to the ambiance.

Elton does a few short turns at the piano, illustrating where he learned certain moves, and you really get a feel for him as a person. I doubt that Elton John fans have ever heard Elton be more open than he is on Spectacle (just wait for the Rufus Wainwright episode!)
This is either due to his newfound friendship with Costello, or just the nature of the show. Elton John and his husband David Furnish are executive producers, after all.

The show finishes with Elton and Elvis duetting on Down River by David Ackles. I’ve never heard this song before, but hearing them sing it together is quite remarkable. I’m not a huge Elton John fan, but I enjoyed every second of this show and it made me go back and listen to his early catalogue.

Spectacle is the perfect program for people obsessed with music, but I think others would like it too, because musicians are interesting, at least the ones of the calibre featured on this series.

The next episode featured The Police (with both individual and group interviews, and a smoking mash-up of Watching The Detectives and Walking On The Moon) and upcoming guests include Rufus Wainwright, Smokey Robinson, Lou Reed, James Taylor, and, believe it or don’t, Bill Clinton (!) I’ve watched some of these online, and there are some amazing performances. His duet with Lou Reed on Perfect Day is quite moving. Don’t miss it.

If you are a Costello-hater, you will probably be annoyed by the way he emotes during the musical performances. He can be a little over the top sometimes when he is performing, which is partly why I love him live, but he is a gracious and knowledgeable interviewer; you have to give him that. There are times when he could have easily interrupted to brag, but he defers to the guest. One example in the Elton John episode was where Elton was talking about Georgie Fame, an influential British jazz/R&B singer famous from the 60’s and 70’s. Now, I know Costello wrote a song for Georgie (That’s What Friends Are For) that he performed and recorded, but there was nary a peep from Elvis. Or perhaps they edited it out…

Costello is arguably overexposed in the media right now, with his royal relationship with Diana Krall, the Spectacle show, and his upcoming acoustic bluegrass tour and new album (Secret, Profane and Sugarcane), but even his dissenters will have to admit that this is good TV.

For more information go to CTV.ca and find Spectacle under the show list.

(NOTE: Sundance Channel recently announced that Spectacle has been renewed for a second season)

Craig Pinhey is already making a list of potential guests for Season 2, including Madonna, Ron Sexsmith, and Margaret Trudeau. Visit Craig at frogspad.ca.

[here] Culture Schlock, April 9, 2009
by Craig Pinhey
Must See Kiwi TV
The Flight of the Conchords Took TV Musical Comedy to New Level

Many fans are wondering what will fill the hole in their lives left now that Jermaine Clement and Bret (pronounced Brit) Mackenzie have finished the second season of The Flight of the Conchords (FOTC), broadcast by HBO, on The Movie Network here in Canada.

It is reputedly the last season, and, if so, it is a sad day in television, because this is the funniest musical comedy I have ever seen. I say this knowing that others will disagree, of course. I was and am a huge fan of the Monty Python brand of musical comedy that popped up occasionally in their ground breaking TV series, and also in their comedy albums and movies. Who can forget “Every Sperm Is Sacred” and “The Universe Song” from “The Meaning of Life”? Pick up the “Monty Python Sings” CD for a primer on some of their best stuff, and “Contractual Obligations” for the funniest comedy record ever.

Weird Al Yankovic has made a career of musical parody, and he does a damn fine job. He can grate on the nerves sometimes, but I’ll forgive everything bad he’s done, just because of “The Saga Begins,” his brilliant Star Wars parody of American Pie

In recent times Tenacious D have found a cult following for their hilarious, often raunchy parodies of hard rock and heavy metal, best illustrated on their debut CD, but their TV spots and movie “The Pick Of Destiny” have their moments too. Still, there is only so much of Jack Black that anyone can take…

I love all this stuff, but I firmly believe that Flight of the Conchords have mastered the genre.

If you, like me, got into the series bit late, then you’ve probably, like me, been catching up on the old shows, meanwhile following weekly episodes as Season 2 led to its hilarious finale, in which <SPOILER ALERT> Brett, Jermaine and their hapless manager Murray end up back on the farm in New Zealand.

The series revolves (revolved, if it is truly over) around two mediocre New Zealand musicians who come to New York seeking to make it big. They end up with Murray as a manager, a guy with no music experience (he doesn’t know who any famous musicians are, including Les Zeppelin and R. Kelly) who works in the New Zealand consulate office.

Hijinx ensue. That’s FOTC in a nutshell, really, but it is much more than that. This is one of those shows that grow on you. Like mould, perhaps, but it really does get under your skin. Watching episodes twice or three times makes them funnier, which is a true sign of comic skill. I’ve read reviews by people who just don’t get it, generally Americans who probably didn’t or wouldn’t get Monty Python or SCTV either, and that’s fine. Who cares? I know that this has been the best comedy show on TV over the past two years, as do you (you know who you are, you funny, perceptive people).

Although the dialogue and comic performances are excellent on the show, especially Rhys Darby as Murray, the most compelling aspect of the show is the music. Their videos are varied and brilliant, and far more professional, in-tune, and perfectly made than these guys could ever accomplish live, based on the performances I’ve watched on Youtube. Don’t get me wrong, as I’d pay a lot of money to see them live (they are touring North America as I write), but they aren’t exactly virtuoso musicians or technically great vocalists. What they are, though, are brilliant writers of musical parody. Any critic who doesn’t acknowledge that is irrelevant.

It is worthwhile owning both seasons on DVD (Season 1 is already available), but if you are looking to catch a few examples of why I think FOTC rule, then check out this short list:

Craig’s top 5 favourite Flight of The Conchords Youtube experiences

1. If You’re Into It
Season 1, Episode 4
- A love song from Bret to his girl Coco, with memorable accompaniment from Jermaine, “How ’bout him in the nude? If that’s what you’re into. In the nude in front of you. Is that what you’d wanna view?”

2. Hiphopopotamus vs the Rhymenocerous:
Season 1 Episode 3
- The best ever rap from non-rappers. “They call me the Hiphopopotamus, My lyrics are bottomless”

3. Too Many Dicks on The Dance Floor
Season 2 Episode 5
- Lyrical genius, but you have to watch the video to truly appreciate it. “I need better odds, more broads, less rods. I came to do battle. Skedaddle with the cattle prods.”

4. Bret’s Angry Dance
Season 1 Episode 12
- Not a music video per se, but one of the best FOTC moments.

5. Frodo, Don’t Wear The Ring
Season 1, Episode 11
- The episode in which Murray gets duped into spending his money on a high quality music video. “I don’t rap about bitches and ho’s, I rap about witches and trolls.”

If FOTC is truly done as a half hour TV musical comedy, I hope that their next project is a musical, either a movie or live show that tours the continent. We have definitely not seen enough of Bret and Jermaine.

Craig Pinhey thinks that Jermaine is a better rapper than Eminem. Visit Craig at frogspad.ca.