Culture Schlock, Jan 7 2010

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright and other Pop Culture Predictions for 2010,

by Oinky the Pig

Oinky getting dirty, as usual

It’s 2010 and I’m out of the pen!  Yo yo yo my little piglets and runts, it’s time for another year’s worth of couplets and grunts. As we move out of the naughties (it was originally intended to refer to “nought” as in “zero”, but my current boat cruising buddy Tiger changed all that), or perhaps you prefer the “oughties” as in, we ought to have finished those wars, but it didn’t work out that way.

Thaaaat’s right, Oinky’s back and no one’s safe. Even though I’m off in the Caribbean with Le Tigre and his “pals” (yeah, right! There are so many udders in my face I feel like I’m back on tha farm, y’all), I can’t resist taking a shot at him. Last year I predicted that, among other prognostications, Tiger Woods would win the Master’s in a wheelchair. Well, I was close.  He’s handicapped, what with the fat lip that Viking chick gave him, and of course his financial hardships.  Hey, I know if I lost my sponsorship deals with Gillette (”Now with 10 heavy duty blades for guaranteed bristle removal. Bonus – free bacon!”) and Slap Chop (”Zucchini, Bikini, Linguini, Martini, Pigscreamy”), I’d have a hard time affording my weekly jaunts to the continent.   That reminds me. Go to GIOTC2010.com for deets on my “Get incontinent on the continent, 2010″ celebrity cruise tour.

Enough self-promotion; here are my predictions and musings for 2010.

TV

Conveyor Belt Of Love (and is the Bachelor still on, really?)

The latest “hook up complete strangers that are coincidentally narcissistic jerks who’ve had lots of work done” show to come along is really, honestly called Conveyor Belt of Love. Potential suitors go by on a belt and you pick one, kind of like sushi.  Something smells fishy, that’s for sure. Other pathetic programs sure to follow are “Who wants to marry a crack whore?” and “The Bachelor: The Garbagemen of Monte Carlo Edition.”

The Family Guy’s new Spin-off: The Stimpsons

Rather than carry on the charade that The Family Guy is not a bad rip-off of The Simpsons, Seth McFarlane’s new show will be called The Stimpsons, and will feature the exact same characters from The Simpson’s except one: Stimpy (from Ren & Stimpy, ironically, a very funny show), who will replace Santa’s Little Helper.

Dexter Season 5 – The End of Al Quaeda

Just when you thought it was safe to be a serial killer, Dexter will be back for it’s 5th season, perhaps of many more to come (hey, the ratings are good!)  In a surprise twist, Dexter’s sister Debra (his real life wife) will pull her head out of her tiny, hipless ass and clue in that her brother likes to kill people ritualistically.  She will join him in a Bonnie & Clyde-like cross country bad-guy killing spree that will culminate with the elimination of Osama Bin Laden, who, shockingly, will be found working as a saddle hand at George Bush’s ranch in Texas.

MUSIC

Lady Gaga Arrested For Murdering 100 Kermits

As it turns out, the publicity photo of Lady Gaga wearing a Kermit-stole will turn out to be real. She really did kill, skin (and perhaps eat) over 100 Kermit the Frogs.

AutoTune Robot Writes Own Songs

A robot created to tour with acts that cannot sing in tune will gain intelligence using “self learning” software to the point where it will start writing and singing its own songs. A new music industry will develop around these singing robots, and one will win the 2010 American Idol Competition, narrowly beating out another Autotune robot that was rumoured to like “its bolts screwed in the wrong way,” if you know what I mean.

MOVIES

Avatar Sequel goes to 4 D

Now that Avatar has set the new standard for movies, James Cameron will feel compelled to take it another step further. Avatar II will come out in 4-D, where you can actually smell the things you see on the screen, including the BO of the 10 foot blue people. When Cameron tries to patent his Smellorama technology, he will be kidnapped and held for the rest of his life by Dr. Tongue in his castle in Scarborough, refusing to do a remake of 3-D House of Stewardesses.

Sherlock Holmes II:  The Shequel

In the next Sherlock Holmes installment, the intrepid detective will reveal that he is in fact, a woman, and actually not all that good at solving murders.  When faced with criticism that he has strayed even further from the original books, Guy Ritchie will shrug and say “You do know that I schtoomped Madonna, right?”

SPORTS

Olympics Hockey Gold Overshadowed By Old Guy Who Can Ski And Shoot Squirrels  At The Same Time

Although Canada will win the men’s and women’s hockey Gold at the 2010 Olympics, media coverage will be dominated by Joe Smith, an 80 year old New Brunswicker discovered by the National Biathlon coach while snowmobile holidaying in Bathurst.  Smith has been skiing and shooting squirrels, albeit with a 22, since he was 8 years old, and he will win the Olympic Gold, only to fall into disgrace 1 week later when he fails a drug test for oxycontin use.

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

(adapted from The Tiger, By William Blake, 1757-1827)

Tiger, tiger, burning bright

At least you were until that night

When Elin gave you your black eye

And ruined your lipsymmetry

You’ve hit balls into the skies

That travelled further than the eyes

Could see and now your fans aspire

To extinguish your eternal fire

Your golf game approaches art

What we question is your heart

There’s nothing that you couldn’t beat

Except humility’s dragging feet

Imprisoned by each media chain

What hate is boiling in your brain?

How many throats you’d love to grasp

How many bras left to unclasp

When the press runs out of spears

And your family’s out of tears

What kind of man is left to see?

What will abusive habits cause thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright

You will emerge from this dark night

What will appear before my eye?

John Daly’s fearful symmetry!

DRINKS

Light beer goes to zero calories

In a bold move, newly formed beer giant  Millmolbattsbudcoorsapporo will release a beer with zero calories. On reports from critics that “This isn’t beer; it’s f&%#ing carbonated water!” the CEO of the corporation will be quoted as saying “If I pay a billion dollars for ads that say it is beer, it is beer.”

Wine – Dealcoholized Wine Trend Reverses

The practice of lowering wine alcohol levels in hot grape climates using reverse osmosis and other tricks will be stopped, as consumers demand higher and higher booze content. The same trend will hit the beer market, as new brands such as “Punch in the Face” and “Barf!” will be released that hit 35 and even 40% alcohol.  They will also contain triple the amount of caffeine as Coke. As a result, ANBL will report record profits and enforce two price hikes during the year. Why the hell not?

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Oinky is on a boat, and it sure ain’t Noah’s ark. Visit him at www.frogspad.ca

[here] Beer, Booze & Bars

Drink’N'Music 2009

Craig’s 10 Favourite Records of 2009, Paired with10 Favourite Tipples

Once again I find myself shuffling through my CD’s and record (I only bought one piece of vinyl this year), and checking my Iphone (yes, I finally broke down and downloaded a few records this year, out of necessity) to argue with myself about which should make my top 10.

As I get older I buy more jazz, classical & country, while still collecting Beatlesque pop, new wave and punk influenced music with older roots, and singer/songwriter standards.

I listen to a lot of “indie” music, too, online on myspace, on college radio, free concerts at radio3.cbc.ca, and their excellent Grant Lawrence-hosted podcasts. I’ve argued for years that indie is not a type of music: it’s a statement of your career status. It’s as meaningless a word as “alternative” (alternative to what?) Much indie music has little in common with the others in the genre: some is pop, some is punkish, some electronic, some 60’s folk, and some a mix of all those. Yes, I’ve heard Grizzly Bear and Animal Collective, tops on many people’s lists, but if I’m going to pay for indie, it’s most likely to be local. Examples are Halifax’s Brent Randall or Saint John’s Clinton Charlton.

2009 was a very strong year for music, so I’ve added some honourable mentions at the bottom that could just as easily have made my top 10.

1. Pugwash – Giddy (Beatlesque Pop, Ireland)

This Irish pop group has done very well in the UK with their original songs that echo the later Beatles, ELO, The Beach Boys and XTC, but they are virtually unknown in North America. XTC’s Andy Partridge’s Apehouse label is trying to change this, releasing Giddy, a collection of songs from their 4 studio albums, remastered and now available here in North America as well as via the apehouse site (http://apehouse.prevuz.com/tag/pugwash/) Partridge is credited as co-writer on several tracks, and guitarist/arranger extraordinaire Dave Gregory (also of XTC) is involved too. Just one listen to It’s Nice To Be Nice and I was hooked. Find it on youtube for a sample.

What to Drink:

I’d choose English traditional method sparkling wine (a burgeoning industry) because fizz makes me Giddy, but we don’t get any here, so instead I’ll choose a good value sparkler: Freixenet Carta Nevada Cava from Spain ($14.49).

2. Brent Randall and those Magnificent Pinecones – We Were Strangers in Paddington Green (60’s Style Pop, Canada)

Every now and then I hear a new band and I think “Wow! A new track from one of my favourite bands!” That was the case with Halifax’s Brent Randall’s beautiful Strange Love (Don’t Be Lazy). I was sure it was John Southworth, or perhaps an old Kinks song. The album art even looks like an old 60’s British record. This is wonderfully dreamy music from another time, another place, and I can’t wait to see him live.

Drink With: Gin & Tonic, definitely, on the lawn while watching the kids play, a cricket match or actual crickets. I’m using Gin from the small Myriad Distillery in PEI at the moment as well as New Amsterdam Straight ($28.99).

3. David Sylvian – Manafon (Ambient Jazz, England)

It is difficult to classify Sylvian since he has been everything from a Velvet Underground aping rocker and Asian/synth pop star in the band Japan, to a crooning (think Bryan Ferry) acoustic solo artist, prog rock duelist with King Crimson’s Robert Fripp, and now ambient jazz experimentalist. With the changes, two things stay the same: his deep, vibrato-affected, perfect voice, and his poems, turned into lyrics. Though still a difficult first listen, Manafon, recorded with an array of international improvising session musicians, is more approachable than his last record, the angular, almost atonal Blemish (now THAT was a breakup record!) By the third listen you will be either addicted or simply bewildered. I like that kind of challenge sometimes. Try Small Metal Gods and go from there.

Drink With: One of my favourites for those odd times when I feel like something weird is Campari (a bitter Italian liqueur often mixed with soda) and Orange juice, making for, like Manafon, a bittersweet experience.

4. Elvis Costello – Secret, Profane and Sugarcane (Country/Bluegrass/Music Hall, England/America)

Ever the genre hopper, to some folks’ dismay and others’ delight, Costello’s latest, a Grammy nominated LP, is a mostly acoustic record with some of USA’s most respected musicians, including the “World’s Best Dobro player,” Jerry Douglas. The album is a bit of a mish-mash; some is straight ahead Bluegrass & Country, including collaborations with Loretta Lynn and Emmy Lou Harris and there are a couple of odd covers (extended version has Femme Fatale by the Velvets), but the highlights are complex pieces he wrote for an opera about Hans Christian Andersen. She Handed Me A Mirror and How Deep Is The Red are moving music hall pieces, among the best songs he’s ever written.

Drink With: Samuel Adams Boston Lager, an American beer, but influenced by good European beer. It has a hoppy personality ($2.36/ 355 ml bottle)

5. Robbie Fulks – 50-Vc. Doberman (mostly Country, USA)

Robbie Fulks embarked on an ambitious project in 2009; he successfully recorded 50 songs, mostly his own, for release in a “digital download only” format (you can buy tracks at itunes or amazon.com). Although known mainly as an acerbic, disgruntled country artist, this talented Chicago singer songwriter has many musical styles on this release: heavy metal, soul, gospel, Broadway tunes, straight ahead pop, Zappa-ish stuff, and old time country. Next year he hopes to release a full album of Michael Jackson covers. I’m sure it will top the charts. His cover of Beyonce’s Irreplaceable sounds like a surefire country soul hit, It Was Love That Ruined Me sounds like John Hiatt or Nick Lowe at their best, and Pretty Girls is a hilarious country tune that would be a hit for someone famous: “The world is full of pretty girls, and pretty girls are full of themselves too.”

Drink With: whatever straight whisky you prefer. Maybe it should be Bourbon, but I’m partial to Single Malt, but I’m cheap, so I usually buy Vatted Malt, a blend of Single Malts, like Famous Grouse 12 Year Old, a blend that includes Highland Park and The Macallan for $35.29.

6. John Southworth – Mama Tevatron (Electronic Pop, Canada)

Southworth is as indie as anyone, by my definition, as his 6 records and 1 EP r over his 14 year recording career have come out on a bunch of different small labels. This latest was only available as a Digital Download until recently when it was released on CD by Dead Daisy/Outside music from the USA. It can now be purchased at MapleMusic.com. His videos are always conversation pieces, and arguably works of art; First of May http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ik_069zpxA from this record is worth a look. Southworth is known as a whimsical guitar and piano playing singer-songwriter, so his decision to do this as pretty much a synth record came as a bit of a surprise, but the results are refreshing. The single Get It Now is receiving lots of internet play on CBC Radio 3, which should help him reach the right demographic. Also, his regular performances as part of Toronto’s Art of Time Ensemble’s live classical/pop hybrids have been memorable. You can link to these things at his http://sud-de-valeur.blogspot.com/ site, including his Christmas song called Space Age Santa.

Drink with: a floral, complex, idiosyncratic white wine that ages well, much like his music. My pick at the ANBL is Donnafugata Anthilia for $17.99 from Southern Italy.

7. Neko Case – Middle Cyclone (Country/pop/rock, USA)

Neko Case is a superstar, debuting high on the Billboard charts, and garnering a Grammy nomination this year (up against Costello, actually), but her records are nothing like typical modern American popular music. An honourary Canadian (she sings with the New Pornographers), Case can write and has written “real’ country, but most of the songs here straddle 60’s and 70’s pop, country, and rock genres; they’re very “Brill Building.” Middle Cyclone is a varied, high quality release with great lyrics and performances. Right from the stellar opening track This Tornado Loves You, her powerful, pure voice dominates the record.

Drink with: Neko Case’s music is retro in only good ways, and it make me want to match her with something out of fashion that deserves more attention: oaky Chardonnay. It’s not an everyday wine, but sometimes I want rich and creamy, flavour packed wine. My pick is Bonterra Chardonnay, from California, for $21.99. And, like Neko, it’s organic!

8. Regina Spektor – Far (Piano pop, USA)

Branded by some as another in a line of piano playing sirens/Kate Bush clones (Sara McLachlan, Tori Amos, Sara Slean, etc. ), which is by no means an insult, Spektor has now made three consecutive records of bright, sometimes beautiful pop tunes. I was worried when I saw that Jeff Lynne (ELO) had produced 4 tracks because, although I like a lot of ELO’s music, I don’t like the way he overtakes other artists (Dave Edmunds, George Harrison). My concerns were unwarranted; the Lynne produced songs sound nothing like ELO: Folding Chair is a chirpy, radio-friendly tune. I love the record, especially the quirkier tunes like Eet and Dance Anthem of the 80’s.

Drink with: high quality vodka and soda with a lime wedge, pure, fresh & clean. I use Kittling Ridge Prince Igor Extreme ($24.99), Citadelle ($31.29) or Iceberg ($24.79).

9. Ben Folds Presents: University A Capella (Pop, USA)

I love Ben Folds and I love Glee, and I believe Ben’s work on this record predates, or perhaps foretells Glee. Note also that he is a judge for the popular new “The Sing Off” TV show on NBC. Folds held auditions for university singing groups to perform a capella versions of songs from his catalogue, selected some and recorded them professionally, adding a couple of his own versions. The result is a joyful, gorgeous record that you might not want to listen to every day, but will surely pep you up on a down day. Folds is one of the best songwriters of the past 20 years and this record celebrates this. The Spartones’ version of Not The Same, about a friend who finds God, is transcendent, hymn-like in its anti-religiosity. Folds’ version of Effington is simply brilliant.

Drink with: Premium rum, a capella. For value, I love Havana Club 7 year old ($28.48).

10. John Doe & The Sadies (Country rock, USA/Canada)

Doe has had a mildly successful solo career since his seminal West Coast punk band X called it quits, but he’s never sounded better or more comfortable than he does on this set of standards and his own compositions, playing alongside Canadian country rock legends The Sadies. Always a fan of country (he made two country records with wife Exene Cervenka of X and other bandmates under the name The Knitters), this record shows how perfect his easy drawl is for classics like Husbands and Wives, and Help Me Make It Through The Night.

Drink with: a beer. Your choice. I’ll take Pump House SOB.

Honourable Mentions:

Joel Plaskett – Three (Folk/Rock/Pop, Canada), Sondre Lerche – Heartbeat Radio (Jazzy Pop, Norway), Brian Setzer – Lonely Avenue (Jazzy Rockabilly, USA), Ben Kweller – Changing Horses (Country, USA), Cheap Trick – The Latest (Power Pop, USA), Clinton Charlton – Parade (Folk/Country, Canada).

MISSED FROM 2008: Molly Johnson – Lucky (Traditional jazz, Canada)

STILL NEED TO TRY FROM 2009: Madness – The Liberty of Norton Folgate (Ska-pop, England)

Craig Pinhey thinks that everyone should make their own top ten list. Visit him at www.frogspad.ca.